THE FACTS OF LIFE
A list of life's certainties, in no particular order. You're welcome.
1. Babies do not bounce.
2. Fat people like Ponderosa.
3. Babies cannot swim (well).
4. Everything is easier on the internet.
5. I hate Walmart.
6. You should hate Walmart.
7. I do not look good in a thong.
8. McDonalds is made from what you find between the legs of a white trash skank who has been walking through price hill all day in the sun, and afterbirth.
9. Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
10. Meat is fucking delicious.
11. If you play russian roulette with an automatic you will lose every time.
12. Every clown thrill kills a hobo as part of his clown college curriculum.
13. Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
14. If someone sits behind you in a meeting, they will always sip coffee in a manner reminiscent of a MOTHERFUCKING JET TAKING OFF OF AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
15. Michael Davidson wants more money in his bank account.
16. There is no easy way to explain to a 6 year old why 'dick' is a bad word.
17. Poor people don't have anything better to do then piss each other off. (see jerry springer)
18. You touch yourself too much.
19. Kool aid is awesome no matter how old you are (unless you have diabetes (in which case, haha (i guess it's not nice to laugh at people like that)))
20. I like parentheses (a lot(really)).
21. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
22. The dumber you are the more you will talk.
23. You cannot eat 7 saltine crackers in one minute without a drink.
24. You cannot lick your own elbow.
25. You just tried to lick your elbow.
26. Shave the cat.
27. Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy submarines.
28. Mixing Drano and used motor oil creates a powerful stain remover.
29. If you make a lot of noise while eating, Bob has daydreamed about killing you.
30. South Africa owes us all an apology for The Dave Matthew's band.
31. When a guy says, "The ladies find these\this sexy" he is usually wrong - very wrong.
32. Baby powder is actually made from babies.
33. Traffic lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph, or 105 mph if you are Bob.
34. Bob has seen his own bones 3 times in 2 months. Those were fun months. (1 via machete, 1 via knife fight with Chris, 1 via metal packing band coming undone)
35. The chicken came first. (If you want to debate it and lose, contact me.)
36. This website has been banned from the Cincinnati Zoo.
37. If while driving you encounter a person dumb enough to have one of those fake indian dreamcatchers hanging from their rearview mirror, said person will do something stupid that almost kills you all before leaving your view.
38. Animals are so much more delicious than plants because they have souls.
39. Children smile all the time because they are thinking about hitting you with something.
40. If you don't know what it is... you should probably pee on it.
41. Cameron Diaz was hot... 5 years ago. However, she never has been or will be smart.
42. Scientologists are freakin' crazy and want to sell you things.
43. Sometimes when I say 'cool' it means 'yeah, uh-huh, shut-up already'.
44. Anything involving the phrase "Uncle slippyfist" will not be good for you.
45. Broccoli would be better if it were made of meat.
46. Kanye West is an idiot the likes of which the world cannot hope to accommodate and should be fired directly into the sun.
47. Any church where there are less than 3 last names throughout the entire congregation is probably bad news.
48. Clementines are God's gift to citrus fruit.
49. Babies can breakdance.
50. Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten
lava had to be carried down the mountainside bucket by bucket and poured over
the sleeping villagers. This took time.
51. Al Capone is the only man to ever celebrate St. Valentine's Day the right way
52. Internet Explorer exists solely to download Firefox.
53. The only thing more imaginative then the way an end user will break something is the way they will describe the problem in the e-mail they send begging for help.
54. The spear is a fine weapon. The trident improves upon this design with 3 points. Logically, this means that the rake is the ultimate weapon.
55. Boredom and machetes make dangerous bedfellows.
56. The dumbest people in your company will run the company picnic olympics.
57. Chuck Pennington is a PBR champion.
58. I talk to myself because I prefer dealing with a higher class of people.
59. Everything is a bottle opener if you are creative enough.
I will add more as they come to me.